The Impossible Math of Holding Competing Identities With Chronic Illness: How I Learned That Rest Isn’t a Reward, It’s a Requirement

I used to believe I could give more than 100% of myself to everything.

At work, I was building teams and solving complex problems. At home, I was a mom to kids with complex medical needs and a caregiver to aging parents. I was also a daughter, sister, friend, board member of the Multiple Sclerosis Association of America, and a patient advocate living with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and ADHD.

I thought the answer was simple: work harder, stay organized, and push through the fatigue.

Eventually, I realized this math simply does not work. There are only so many hours in a day, but more importantly, there is only so much energy. For years, I treated rest like something I had to earn after everything else was finished. The problem was, everything was never finished.

That realization changed the way I approach my life. I stopped asking, How can I do more? and started asking, How can I protect enough energy to give my best where it matters most?

I’m still learning the answer, but a few lessons have changed everything.

Stop Giving One Role Everything You Have

Early in my career, I had the privilege of leading a highly visible rare disease product launch that demanded almost everything I had. My days started before 6 a.m., ended well after dinner, and work often followed me into the weekends.

I loved it. I loved the challenge, my team, and the opportunity.

But by the time I walked through my front door, I had very little left for my family or myself. Over time, that constant pace affected both my physical and mental health.

Looking back, I wasn’t failing only because I managed my time poorly. I was spending my energy as if it were unlimited.

That experience taught me something I carry with me today: no single role should consume so much of me that I have nothing left for other parts of my life.  

Today, I think less about managing my calendar and more about protecting my energy. When my energy is gone, every role suffers.

Accept Help Without Feeling Guilty

For a long time, I believed asking for help meant I wasn’t doing enough. Now I know it means I’m protecting my ability to keep showing up.

Support looks different for everyone. Sometimes it’s my husband taking over bedtime. Sometimes it’s a friend dropping off dinner, a coworker covering a meeting, or a neighbor checking in. Sometimes it’s recognizing that I don’t have to do everything myself.

Not everyone has access to the same support, and I know that is a privilege. But when help is available, I’ve learned to accept it without apologizing.

Protect Your Energy by Delegating

One lesson surprised me more than I expected. For years, I planned family vacations the same way I managed projects at work. Every restaurant was researched. Every activity was scheduled. Every backup plan was in place. Then I realized I was spending so much energy creating the perfect vacation that I wasn’t enjoying the actual vacation because I was so tired.

Now I happily hand that responsibility to my friend Dimitra Patton at Lusso Travel. She understands our family’s needs, works within our budget, and handles the details that used to consume me. That isn’t about luxury. It’s about protecting my energy so I can spend it where it matters most: making memories with my family instead of managing logistics.

Delegating is not giving up. Sometimes it is giving yourself back.

Schedule Recovery Before You Need It

Most days, rest is not as big as a vacation. It looks like protecting my sleep. Taking a walk. Working out. Getting a massage. Leaving ten minutes between appointments. Saying no or letting something wait until tomorrow.  If I move from one demanding role directly into another without taking a breath, eventually there is nothing left to give.

I’ve stopped seeing those moments of recovery as wasted time.  They are necessary to allow me to keep going.

Redefine Strength

Years ago, during the COVID pandemic, I measured strength by the weight I could lift on a barbell. With the help of my power lifting trainer, I worked my way up to a 210-pound deadlift!  At the time, strength meant pushing harder, carrying more, and proving I could handle whatever was placed in front of me (including living through a pandemic as an immune compromised person).  

Without realizing it, I approached life the same way. I thought being strong meant carrying every responsibility without asking for help.

Chronic illness and caregiving completely changed that.

Exercise is still one of the best things I do for myself, but not because I’m chasing a personal record anymore. I move because it helps me manage stress, clears my mind, and gives me the energy to be a better human. That shift changed my perspective so much that it inspired me to support my husband with his dream to open an Anytime Fitness franchise and become an entrepreneur in our local community. We want to create a place where people can take care of themselves through fitness, recovery, convenience, and community.  

I Still Haven’t Solved the Math….

I still overcommit. I still forget things.  I still have days when none of it adds up. I’m still learning. But I no longer believe the answer is doing more or being perfect.

The answer is protecting the energy that allows me to give my best to the people and responsibilities that matter most. I have learned that rest isn’t selfish and I do not have to earn it.  

Rest is one of the most important investments I can make in my family, my health, and the people who count on me.
Rest isn’t a reward. It’s a requirement.